My Black Dog Living

My story on fighting my black dog daily and keeping on winning

About me

25 years of black dog living under my belt. I have seen every counsellor, psychiatrist and psychologist you can imagine.
In the end there are just a few important things that will get your from fighting to get to start the day, to fighting to stop reaching your goals and believing everything is possible.
1. Faith
2. Understand that the world will not change for you, you must adapt to the world
3. You are already enough
4. Find a friend who understands the journey, because if you have never dealt with the black dog, you just don’t get it.
5. You have the power to change your life. you just have to choose it

  • Spectator to my own life

    A large three-headed dog with glowing eyes, wearing spiked collars and chains, lying in a dark rocky cave with fiery lights and a stone temple entrance in the background.

    I wake up in the morning. I am exhausted. I check my watch’s sleep score. It is pathetic. I rarely reach a score above 50 these days. I don’t know if I should doubt the accuracy of the watch or make peace with what I have been denying for so long now. Cerberus has fully awakened and is in full control again on many days.

    How do I know he is back? I am physically and emotionally exhausted. If I am not anxious. I have a level of rage where I look at myself and think I do not recognise myself. The empathy I count as a strength in my daily life is gone. I am a witch. I can go and buy myself a broom.

    Most days, it feels like I am having an out-of-body experience. I am looking at an episode of a soap opera. One that had a finale more than six years ago and is suddenly having an unwelcome reboot. I don’t like what I am looking at. It makes me very uncomfortable. It is too familiar. The path it leads to is something I swore to myself in 2019 I would never walk again.

    This nightmare is why I have been so quiet, dear readers. The only thing holding me together at the moment is the resilience that I built up over 25 years of dealing with Cerberus. The six or seven years he has had temporary awakenings from his deep slumber have been dealt with swiftly and effectively, but this time, I did not see him coming. I was too busy, distracted. Practising bad habits. I should have known better.

    But I am not all the things Cerberus keeps whispering in my ear. Failure. Pathetic. Worthless. And so, so many more.

    Now, my dear readers, what is the next step, you may ask? The road to recovery and getting Cerberus back in his slumber, without breaking my promise to myself. Figuring out how to do that is interesting; the last time I managed it, I took a sabbatical from my life, so deep thinking on the table for me.

  • Even the meteor remembers

    A rock glowing orange with smoke rising in a misty field with dry grass and a bare tree in the background

    When you are a child you are told to make a wish upon a shooting star because it is a special event. Unfortunately as with most things in life as you grow up, you realise that a shooting star is nothing more than a meteor burning up in earth’s atmosphere.

    Now in life, some of us are shooting stars. We are used to being high achievers. We can, through being blessed with high intellect, sheer grit, or both, push through and achieve the goals we set for ourselves and/or those set for us by others. Pair this with an ambitious nature, and you have the recipe for what science now calls burnout. Where you will continue to function at such high levels of stress and adrenaline that your body eventually says, “Enough is enough.”

    This is the point where the star shooting across the sky for everyone to gawk at in awe becomes the meteor falling to the ground. Left alone in the crater you have created in the world around you. The world around you will continue in its own manner, and you will be left to remember your glory days as a shooting star. Your loved ones will be the ones suffering most as they will have to deal with the meteor questioning their reality, why they were a star yesterday, shining brightly in people’s eyes, and now they are just a paperweight or a doorstop.

    The great news is that once you have healed your cracks. Filled them with gold like the Japanese art form Kintsugi. There is no reason for becoming a star again. BUT. There is a very big but. Do not once again become a workaholic, or your shooting star will burn faster than before, and you will be a doorstop again.

    Remember the activities, people, and things that bring you joy, and make a concerted effort to spend more time on them each week. Life is short and valuable; don’t waste it on things you will sit down at 75 and say, “I wish I…”

    Nothing in my life gives me more joy than being a good person, helping people, and being surrounded by like-minded people. But I am not a saint and will never be. I find that small acts of kindness you put into the world make ripples and spread, and we could all use a little more kindness.

  • Sacred contracts

    An ancient stone inscription with intricate carvings, displayed in a dimly lit environment.

    There is a book by Caroline Myss that I have been meaning to read, which deals with sacred contracts in a person’s life. My psychologist once said that the universe will continuously place you in the same situation or relationship until you have learned the specific lesson you need to learn. I never believed this to be true. Being of the Christian faith, I believed God gave you free will, but also that He was there to assist with any fallout.

    I have to admit that I am starting to believe this sacred lesson may be from God, and that it is His way of teaching you something specific.

    As you know dear readers, 2026 was not the best start for me. I am not sure if I shared all the details here but I spent a night in ICU earlier this year due to a serious health issue. I didn’t panic too much. The doctor let me go home the next day, possibly due to the fact that I was moaning and bitching about being in a private ICU with 2 nurses assigned to my bed and still could not get cold water to drink regularly.

    Anyway my test results, CT Scans and MRIs show all is well except for my D4 vertebrae which appears to be leaving the building like Elvis, and I can go home. I returned to work that afternoon, showing my commitment and resilience. By the way Google is not your friend in the case of a medical diagnosis. I read up on a transient ischemic attack. Does not look too bad, and move on

    Cerberus settles on my shoulders once again, as I find myself with an increasing amount of medication in my daily pharmacy pack. I take more medication daily than my parents do combined, even though they’re in their mid-seventies. But hey, whatever it takes to keep my body functioning and able to earn an income so I can meet my responsibilities.

    I’m a cusp kid born in 1982 – so, technically Xillenial-and grew up with parents who stressed responsibility and the importance of avoiding slip-ups. Now, as I near my mid-forties, I find myself sharing stories of garden hoses, street-light curfews, and neighbourhood friends, while still clutching my handbag tightly and walking with my hands behind my back in stores with breakables, reflecting on how childhood habits stay with us.

    However, I digress. Let’s fast forward to my quarterly check-in with my psychiatrist. I informed him about my recent health scare, and he became quite alarmed. He quickly took notes and expressed his deep concerns. Once again, I found myself confused, as my Google search didn’t seem to indicate that it was serious.

    Then came the final blow—a letter from my medical aid informing me that they would cover the new medication I need to take, along with the prescribed minimum benefit under which it falls. At that moment, it struck me hard, like a Humvee hitting me at 100 kilometres per hour. Dear Miss BlackDogLiving, you have been approved for the chronic stroke-prevention benefit. Stroke. Prevention.

    Dear readers, I feel like Vesuvius, resting with anger boiling within me. This frustration is directed solely at myself because my choices have led me to this point. The pressing question is: how do I fix this? How can I prevent a destructive explosion that could harm everything and everyone around me? I’ve experienced a few updrafts, and they have not been pretty.

    I hope to write again soon, as I have found that writing to you brings me hope. After being solid and happy for more than five years, that happiness seemed to vanish like mist in the sun. No matter how much I try to grasp that mist to make my happiness last and keep Cerberus away, the more the sun beats down like a desert. I am left burnt to a crisp in this desert, with only my enormous black dog as company.

  • Chaos abundant

    The gods Khaos, Apophis and Loki
    Khaos, Apophis and Loki all gods of chaos in different cultures.

    I started 2026 with incredible hopes for the year, for my depression, health, weight and overall self management. Well, my dearest readers, I can only say that this past Friday was my lowest point in almost five years. With my black dog, Cerberus, firmly on my shoulders due to the gods of chaos running around in my life, I have been finding it more and more difficult to locate my internal locus of control.

    Yes, it is an absolute cliché, I need control to function at my best. I feel safe with having control. I have previously described that as a child, I had no control over anything in my life, and that is why I now need control as much as the air I breathe.

    I have made significant changes in how I approach my life. Wait, let me rephrase that. I have tried to make significant changes. However, it seems the more I try to implement changes in my life, the more chaos is afoot to make sure obstacles are everywhere.

    I had a big health scare, and the worst part is I get out of the hospital, laugh it off and continue on the madness, because I am still alive. I keep doing what I’ve been doing because I have medication now, and my body looks like it is doing ok. At least until the next point of rebellion. Which now appears to be insomnia… Which I cannot cope with. I DO NOT do well without sleep. But sleeping pills trigger poor sleep quality, so where does that leave me anyway?

    Well, my dear readers, never fear, because if there is one thing that I know. It is that I am a survivor. I may not always learn from my first or second time making the same mistake, but I do learn. Do I get to a workable solution? Eventually. It is like the story of a reporter once asking Thomas Edison, regarding his failure to invent a lightbulb, “Don’t you feel like a failure after so many unsuccessful attempts?” Edison calmly replied: “I haven’t failed. I’ve just discovered 1,000 ways that don’t work.”

    So if your Black Dog is on your shoulders this week and the gods of chaos feel like they are running your life. Remember, you have not failed; you may have found a thousand ways that don’t work, but if you keep going, you will find one that does, and that one way may not change THE world, but it will change YOURS.

    I will keep on fighting the good fight. You do the same my dear readers, because you are special and loved.

  • Cumulus dreamer

    A fluffy white cloud against a bright blue sky.

    My dear readers, I apologise for my absence. Sometimes it feels that no matter how hard I try to create order in my life, the universe is determined to create chaos. So, just to say that Cerberus and I have been in a bit of a wrestling match over the last few weeks, but as usual, I came out the victor. Many people are not as lucky, and my heart goes out to them. Ironically, I think Cerberus has never won because of my people-pleasing nature… I always think of the person who would have to find me and who has to deal with what I left behind, and me. Never thinking of myself, not even at my lowest, I guess.

    Sorry for the sad start, but that is not what is on my mind today. Today, I am thinking of the saying about building castles in the sky, and then, sometimes, painting them inevitably comes in as well. Lately, that is something I am experiencing. Maybe it is a midlife crisis feeling that I did not achieve what I could have. Maybe it is fear that there are only 20 years left to accumulate for my golden years of retirement.

    I keep waking up with dreams of products, apps, or things that would make life easier for me, which means they should make someone else’s life easier. The problem is that I am too busy and too tired to teach myself to explore the new ways of doing business plans and business funding proposals. Many of them regarding tech I know nothing about, I have a basic understanding but not a great understanding, and I feel like the year has already run over me like those big breaking waves at Supertubes at Jeffreys Bay in South Africa.

    If you have ever seen the surfing competitions at Supertubes, you will understand what I am talking about. That is my ultimate place of relaxation and calm. Because when you sit on the beach there, and you can literally hear and feel the power of the ocean even sitting on the beach, while running millions of grains of sand through your fingers, you KNOW God exists. If you are a Christian in that moment, you realise the God who is able to create the universe made you the person you are. Unique. With all your quirks and illnesses, the best part is that He thinks you are fantastic. It is an amazing feeling. I don’t debate the existence of God; I have felt the Holy Spirit and been healed from near death when the doctors gave up, so do not try to debate with me.

    Maybe to be the best dreamer I can be, I need to go to my happy place and keep dreaming. After all, if I am into clichés at this point…. Every day is a gift; that is why it is called the present. My dear readers, I think today was just one of those days when everything pent up needed to get out, but hopefully it touched you. I think the blog’s time is numbered, as I won’t be renewing it at the end of this subscription, but I am going to try and build this castle in the cloud and paint it while I can. So today, go out and build a “sandcastle” in the clouds – make a tiny dream come true, because life is not about the number of breaths you take but about the number of moments that take your breath away.

  • Sisyphean self set goals

    A woman climbing a rocky slope in heavy rain, pushing against a large boulder, accompanied by a black dog.

    Journaling…. I never believed in the value of writing down what is in your head and heart to let it out. I always thought keeping things where they are was the best place for them, because, well, the only people that ever seemed to want to listen to what was inside were those you paid anyway. The other problem, of course, is that sometimes letting out what is in your heart and head can hurt so many feelings that they should stay hidden in the shadows.

    Needless to say, I have found in the last few weeks that keeping a journal is a way to release feelings and emotions that poison me from the inside. I have also found that, in some ways, I am my own worst enemy. I am the biggest dreamer when it comes to the success I can achieve, but boy oh boy, it is also true that dreams don’t build reality.

    When I was a child, my goal in life was to become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Growing up in South Africa, I had no idea what that meant. All I knew was that it meant money, power and luxuries I could only dream of. I wanted a Gulfstream jet with light-brown leather seats and soft, fluffy whitewool carpets. Those you could sink your bare feet into. I have always loved going barefoot. It gives you a connection with your surroundings which shoes, even with the thinnest of soles, do not make possible.

    These dreams were also not inhibited by the fact that I had debilitating Asthma and could never have the same meals as my friends at school. The party snacks, cool drinks, and even something as simple as lollipops needed to be monitored carefully. Until today, I dislike sauces like tomato sauce (ketchup), mustard, and true South African chutney, because they were off the menu. I love mayonnaise, though, because my mom, being an angel, made her own for me to enjoy.

    Keeping a journal, however, has brought these dreams back to the forefront of my mind and made me realise. I set goals that are just impossible to achieve, and then continually live in a state of disappointment when I do not reach them. The worst part is, I have been doing it since I was in the second grade, when I set goals to achieve a percentage average to get into advanced education classes, but I never achieved the outcome. I would do this to myself term after term for years. Yet, I never learned the basic lesson. “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

    Do not get me wrong, I am in no way making light of mental illness. I am a MDD survivor. I am just saying that in order to move forward in life, sometimes you need to take a little advice from those who were able to understand learning better than I was:

    • “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing” – Henry Ford
    • “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts” – Winston Churchill
    •  “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work” – Thomas Edison
    • “Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes” – Oscar Wilde
    • “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself” – Eleanor Rooseveldt

    So, from today, maybe I will be a little easier on myself and feed Cerberus less of my self-doubt about not achieving the Sisyphean goals I set myself every darn day.

  • Tempus fugit

    This morning I realised with a shock that my summer holiday is basically over. I feel rested, but the thought of heading back to the world of professional chaos is enough to have me on day 5 of continuous headaches. Varying between migraine level and just an annoyance level, throbbing.

    Of course my last weekend is to be spent like we did at school. But unlike singing the old back to school verse, of the TV advertisement, I just sing the back to reality part while ensuring that my house, clothes, shoes and everything I probably will have limited time for is in order.

    The grocery list is being drafted, doctors’ appointments scheduled, pharmacy lists to be collected and reconciled, and of course, checking my budget as it is Januworry here in South Africa. Most of all, I fear what my electricity bill will look like at the end of January, with my air conditioner running the whole time, as I may be heading for the feared”change”. Because heaven help me, I feel like a cell phone which is being used to record a 4-hour video. Completely hot and bothered.

    Today I am not sure if it is Cerberus paying me a visit or if it is just a feeling of hopelessness. I had every intention of changing my life up. From the way I react to people and situations to ensuring that I do not run my temper in the red because other people do not act the way I would act. Because they are not me and I should not expect the same level of courteousness and respect from them as I like to give to others. One day…. That is how long it lasted.

    There have been a few other things in the last 8 days that have cut deep to make me wonder if I am just different or if life is just a practical joke being played on me constantly.

    But do not fear dear readers. I will not give up. I wil persevere. Because you do not get so far down this windy road filled with pebbles and thorns on bare feet of major depression, without grit. Grit that I have in bucketloads and I will keep scooping it out and making use of it.

  • Welcome 2026

    Well my dearest readers, I have just about emerged from the above cloud of smoke from the sage that I burned to get rid of the bad juju from 2025. I don’t know about you but I have no idea what the heck that was. All I know is may it not it the words of Phoebe Buffay from Friends: ” Lather, Rinse and Repeat…”.

    I wish you all a very blessed 2026 filled with fewer visits from your Black Dog and more moments of joy and happiness. Yes it is cliché, but after 2025, I have realised life is too short not to say things like I love you and to wish good on others. Most importantly, though, life is too short not to say I love myself and to wish good things upon yourself.

    I have a friend, who I don’t have too much contact with anymore, who used to say that you should watch your thoughts and words, because you manifest your life through them. I never used to believe her. However, I have come to realise I did that to myself for a VERY VERY LONG time.

    I am quite religious although I am not what you would call the picture of what you would think a Christian should look like. I am a combination of a sapio/demi-sexual person. I believe it means I fall in love with a single person who stimulates me intellectually, rather than being attracted to random people of a specific gender. Sometimes I swear like a sailor, and no, I hardly ever attend a religious service anymore, although I do miss going. But I will NEVER doubt that God exists and that Jesus is my Saviour, as I nearly died due to an asthma attack in Grade 11 and was healed by prayer, and I could feel the Holy Spirit healing me.

    But I digress. Once in university, I worked with a woman who read palms. I only later found out how deep into the darkness she was (think devil worship), and she read all of our palms at work on a slow day. Her prediction for me was the following:

    • I would either be successful or happy, I could not have both
    • I would nearly die three times in my life

    I only realised in about 2019 that what she did that day was issue a curse against me, because it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every time something didn’t go right in my life, that is what I went back to; then I would say, “Well, by the world’s economic standards, you are quite successful, so you can’t be happy.”

    Today I am happy, no pun intended, to say that I have broken the curse, because yes, I do have my bad days, if you live with depression, that is bound to happen, butthe good days outnumber the bad and that is the only things that matter.

    So what is ahead for me in 2026? Well, readers, as much as I can, because life is too precious to waste. I don’t do New Year’s Resolutionsbecause, as the hangover fades and the week goes by, so do the resolutions. So I gather my journal and write weekly goals. And every week I measure my success against them, and if I don’t achieve something, I re-strategise so I can, or decide that it wasn’t that important after all.

    Oh, and one more thing. Success is not built in a day. It truly is like the saying: the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Take the first step, readers… Until next time.

  • End of year reflections

    A close-up of a marble sculpture depicting a man in deep thought, with a muscular physique and intricate veins resembling marble patterns.

    And so the year of work has all but come to a stand-still. The late nights, the blood, sweat and tears to keep pushing myself to be the best that I can be and beyond that, while reminding myself to never ever again make my self-esteem and self-worth dependent on my work. This was one of the toughest lessons in my life. I lost myself in my work and thereby I lost my identity when a project went horribly wrong.

    It took me years to recover. But I can guarantee it is the BEST lesson that I ever learned in my entire life. Work is something you do so that you can do the things that bring you immense joy. Work can sometimes also give you joy, but it does not define you.

    So here in South Africa I am looking at roughly 4 weeks of a little bit of work and a lot of personal time and relaxation. Catching up on books I bought but never read. Movies I read about but never watched. Personal cuddle time attention with my two lazy doggies who do not prescribe to the black dog movement, although my Frenchie is black and Boston Terrier does have a little black fur tuxedo… They are black dog anti-venom. Through kisses and cuddles they always put a smile on my face.

    Then there is my once a year cupboard refresher movement, where I throw out anything that did not see the light of day in the last year and I buy storage boxes etc to arrange and tidy, because I can. And to have control makes me feel better.

    So whatever it is that you do to keep your black dog at bay this holiday season. Please enjoy it and remember find the joy in family, friendships, pets and activities that make your soul sing. Reflect on why and do more of it always.

  • A glimmer of light

    Dear readers, I konw I have been absent for some time. I am very sorry for that. But I am sure as depression survivors you know that during the battles with your black dog, life becomes a daily struggle. The things you enjoy most, lose their appeal. The people and those dearest to you suffer in seeing the vibrant light which shines from you starting to fade into darkness.

    But that is when you, like I do by now, should hear the nuclear missile alert alarm being triggered. Every fibre in your body should scream and fight for you to rebuild your pillars of strength. Sometimes, depending on the situation, this can be done in days or weeks. Sometimes your foundations were ripped to the core by an extinction level event in your life. You feel like your soul should be saving bottled water and toilet paper for survival.

    This time I was lucky. I am suffering from what I believe is long term burnout. Being an accountant / auditor I have been running on pure addrenaline for about 25 years now. I believe we start running on it the first day you step into university and you do not stop until you make the choice to stop. The choice to always want the bigger, better and more perfect scenario. Here is the problem with that thought…..

    Being that person, who strives for excellence and performance is ingrained in most of us accountant / auditor types. It is the fibres we are woven from. So hitting the big red stop button is like a betrayal to who you are…. So how do I make this work?

    Practice. Practice and more practice. Failing at it and more failing at it. Learning from each fall. Because unless you learn from each defeat or injury, there is no point in keeping going in the direction you are going. For me – the top is the ONLY option. And the TOP is not a job, a salary, a title. It is being the BEST me that I can be. Because I owe it to myself. Not to anyone else.

    So follow the glimmer guys if you dare. But know this. The fight has to be for YOU! No fight against your black dog will or can be won, unless the fight is faught by you, for you and to learn your lesson. If you fight for another reason you will lose.

    Make yourself a priority today. Because you are enough already! But you can be amazing if you allow yourself to be! Follow the light…. Even if it is the smallest glimmer. I know I do. Even if the cavern turns dark every now and again. It is not about how many times you fall…… It is about that you keep getting back up!