I did not see it coming. Cerberus broke through my defences. Twenty plus years of experience. Five plus years of getting it right, and he did it again without me realising it.
I just woke up again one day and I feel completely empty inside. I am en empty vessel moving around and going through the motions to ensure that I get things done. But I have lost the joy and passion I had for doing things I did before.
You know exactly what I am talking about… feeling like your dead inside but you get up and show up because that is what is expected. That is what an adult does. That is what you do because you are who you are. You put yourself last – ALWAYS.
So what will I do now you may ask. The same thing I have been doing for a lifetime. Get up off the ground. Dust myself off. Then it is recovery plan time. Because, yes I will recover. I AM STRONGER THAN THIS ILLNESS!!!! Cerberus and his tricks will not keep me down. He may fight to try to keep me down. He will not succeed. In 25 plus years he never has. And you know what.
Maybe it is like AA. I fell off the wagon. Today we start counting again at one. I will reach the 1800 plus days again and exceed it.
Yesterday I felt that I could no longer rage against the dying of the light. Today I look at my doggies and I say – I will win this fight for myself and for them. Because they deserve the best of me. Not the empty vessel.
As always fellow depression survivors, if you need someone to chat to. Send me an email at myblackdogliving@gmail.com, because everyone of us deserves to talk to someone that understands what it feels like to be an empty vessel.
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