One thing about being a recovering (because when you have had as many relapses as I have, it will never be recovered) major depressive, is those nights when you can’t shut your mind off. Last night was one of those. Where I got to replay conversations from the past week over and over and relive some of my worst lows from the past 25+ years in my head.
These are the nights I am reminded of the film the Ghost and the Darkness. It is based on two lions that went rogue in the 1800’s on men building a bridge in Africa. They were not in a pack, and determined that the men were easy pickings at night in their camp. They proceded to wreak havoc over a period until both were killed.
In my case the memories or replays of discussions they are the darkness…. and the “old depressed me aka the one beaten down by the black dog” is the ghost. Because if the ghost realises it can be fed it will return to feast upon my life. Being reminded of the days, months and years where my life was a daily struggle, to the point where proper hygiene was at a stage such an effort it took hours, that is the darkness, where Cerberus lives.
Don’t get me wrong I do everything in my power not to visit the darkness. But when you have walked the path as long as I have you know there are triggers, as I have written previously, and sometimes to keep your warning system functioning effectively, you have to look long and hard into the darkness to remember the ghost. Remember why she is no longer the one in control. Why you are stronger. Why you are enough, despite what your poor self-esteem tells you some days, in fact you are amazing.
You get to sing “You don’t own me” like Goldie Hawn, Bette Midler and Diane Keaton in the First Wives Club. (An absolute personal favourite and must watch if you never have). That is what I have done again this morning, after a night of the Ghost and the Darkness, I am singing at the top of my voice You don’t own me!
And I own it. Because no matter how badly this illness and Cerberus want to win, they won’t because I am me. I will never give up and I will keep fighting. Does that mean I win every battle. No. There are days where I lose and Cerberus wins. Will he win the war. No. I will emerge as the victor!
Does it matter that I lose some times? Not at all. Because All of us have good and bad days. What matters is making the good days count so much that the bad days are a distant memory. They end up in the ghost and the darkness memory pile. Only to be confronted at certain intervals when life and the universe feel that 3am is the perfect time for reflection.
As always thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. I am here for you if you need me. Email at myblackdogliving@gmail.com
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